keeping my cool

I walked on the treadmill for 90 minutes this morning.

Not because I suddenly became one of those people who wakes up excited to work out.

Absolutely not.

I walked for 90 minutes because I was fucking angry.

And apparently I needed somewhere to put it before I went to work.

So I walked.

And walked.

And walked.

Trying to work through every conversation that could happen.

Every possible response.

Everything I wanted to say.

Everything I absolutely could not say.

Because there are days in HR where you manage paperwork.

And then there are days where you manage your own nervous system.

An employee reported being sexually propositioned and physically touched by a client.

And today I have to walk into a room and speak calmly about it.

I have to say words like “liability” and “risk exposure” while a younger version of me is screaming in the background.

Because once upon a time, I was 19.

And I know what it feels like when things get minimized.

So I have two jobs today.

Protect the employee.

And keep my voice steady.

The hardest part of leadership isn’t making decisions.

It’s regulating yourself when the decision feels obvious.

It’s sitting in a room and speaking professionally when every part of you wants to scream:

How is this even a discussion?

I don’t know how this will go.

I just know I can’t say “it’s fine” about something that isn’t.

So I’ll breathe.

I’ll speak slowly.

I’ll stick to the facts.

I’ll remind myself that getting angry isn’t going to make my point stronger.

And if that doesn’t work?

Apparently I can walk for 90 fucking minutes.

It’s fine.

I’m fine.

But this?

This isn’t fine.

—

This is how it felt to me. It’s not the full story—just the part I lived.